What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:15
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I will be 64.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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We all went to grammer schools
She married twice! .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was seconnd youngest,
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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I was 9 years of age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were not on the streets..
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was in good health!
Have you ever forcibly sucked someone’s dick?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
This is soul school!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I said to her
Im dying but, im not bitter.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
All the time i was locked up.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He knew the spot.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ive learnt so much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My family never makes their pension either.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She loved him until the end.
Would this be the day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was scared of men, in general
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When she asked me how she looked .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it wasn’t much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So, i spoilt her more .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.